I’ve been in this funk for the greater part of a week and I’ve been very obviously sabotaging myself by overeating because overheating always makes me feel like shit which makes me not wanna do anything useful. It’s just a vicious cycle and the only solution is to stop eating like I just got rescued from a concentration camp. But what’s my reason for doing that?
I’m constantly looking for reasons why I should not give up on life. I’m always looking for reasons why I should do better. Everybody has that in their power right? To make their own circumstances better? Most people do anyway. No matter how bad off you are there’s always something you can do. I really believe that. But without a reason, how can you make it happen?
Sometimes I find myself in that place where I’m struggling to know why I should try. I resort to asking myself “do I want to die right now? No? So why don’t I just get off my ass and do the laundry? Why don’t I get off my ass and take a shower? Why don’t I get off my ass and brush my teeth? If I’m not gonna do any of those things then I might as well lay down and die, right? But is that really what I want do? To die?” The answer is a big fat NO. I’m not suicidal. I’ve been there before and this is not remotely that. Like I said, this was just a funk lasting about a week.
When the above line of questioning fails to work, I will take it further and ask myself questions like “Who should I do it for?” “Who should I get up off my ass and make my life better for?” “Who do I owe it to?” “Do I owe it to all the people who have put their time, sweat and tears into raising me since the day I was born?” “Do I owe to my dead mother who I’m sure wishes she was still around for me?” “Do I owe it to my father who put me through 8 years college?” “Do I owe it to myself?”
Is there someone out there that I owe it to? I think so but who? I mean.. a lot of effort has been put into getting me where I am. I didn’t pay my own way through college. I didn’t pay for a single thing of my own until I was 20. From the age of 14 my grandparents were my guardians. Is it them I owe it to?
Or do I owe it to my children? I don’t think I OWE it to them but I think I should, for them, figure out a way to not live out the rest of my life as a pathetic pile of inertia. And this last sentence triggered a memory that’s gonna make me go somewhere I didn’t want to go on this blog… but here I go…
Before becoming single again, I had reason for the depression. After becoming single again, I had even more reason for the depression. In both scenarios, someone I shouldn’t have trusted hurt me beyond anything I had ever imagined was possible. (and if you think I’m being over dramatic, talk to any person who was unexpectedly and unceremoniously dumped by their spouse of 20 years and they have children together. Bottom line, if you think the above lines are melodramatic then you simply haven’t been thru it. Period.)
At some point this week I was listening to some music which I really should try to avoid because it brought forth in me a deep sadness. I’ve suffered from depression before and there’s a certain depth of pain you get to that is so profound that it’s hard to see a way to the other side of it. And for a few moments, I was there again. Thankfully, shutting off this music was all I needed to do to get out of it.
I do have an undercurrent of depression I live with every day since around 2008. I’m not suffering from depression as I once knew it, but it’s a regular battle.
When someone you loved has caused so much hurt out of malice, it makes depression even worse. Depression is often times made worse by the negative self-talk which can almost always be proven wrong with a change of perspective. But you can’t prove wrong a fact of pain caused by another human being. …or can you? What can STILL be proven wrong with a change of perspective (at least for a time) is that this person matters at all. They were not who you thought they were and it’s not your fault.
I might have been naive in believing the words that came out of their mouth but my only fault there was in assigning integrity where non existed. In ignoring when they had already proven they had none. What I did “wrong” was in believing that someone I let close to me was good. Good people don’t discard you like trash without warning, without explanation, without respect, without tact. Good people don’t do that to people who have only ever given you loyalty. Even when love is gone, a good person does not treat another like that. If you care about that person but just aren’t IN love with them (whatever that means after 20 years together), you try really hard to let them down gently. You TRY. You give them all the explanation in the world. You give them respect.
My failure was in forgiving this person when they slept with two dozen prostitutes and then gave me an STD from one of them. And forgiving them for countless other things that if my children knew they might never want to speak with him again. I love my children too much for that. Altho I often question what I’m loving them “too much” for; more lies? I will never be talked into forgiving another human being again.
I will never be able to put this to bed because I have no closure. This person who dumped me and said “I love you as the mother of my kids” has never given me the respect you would give a total stranger. He has never explained himself. Never told me the honest truth. Never said he was sorry without gloating at my sadness. HE did not see the look on his own face as I was dying inside. I did. He is evil incarnate. He is not the person I thought he was all these years. He let the facade fall away that night.
THAT’S what I’m having to recover from. Alone.
It kills me sometimes to put on a smile when talking about him to our kids because I don’t think he is a good person inside. I feel like there is a wolf I’m co-parenting with. So I can’t co-parent.
Back to the topic of depression:
And so what I have inside my head is this battle between the voices that tell me I was cheated on and dumped because I’m useless and worthless and the voices that list all the people who got me to where I am and who deserve for me to try harder to succeed, including myself. Dueling dragons.
These voices aren’t unique to me. I believe everybody has them. Everybody. There’s a reason scenes of indecision are depicted with a little devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other trying to win a debate to convince you. The problem with me now is that the devil on my left shoulder has been given an upgrade. That pokemon foe called Skankasaurus has been fed enough chlamydia candy to evolve into a 4.5 star Herpesraptor Rex; the most vile arch-nemesis in the region. And he’s the worst kind because he started out as Pikachu’s closest friend, feigning kinship up until the very night of the backstabbing. And as Pikachu, now I need to build up my defense to fight against what this Herpesraptor wishes me to do; to give up and die.
Can anyone else relate?